Standing at the Edge of Inadequacy…

I stand at the edge of a major abyss. It's very much like a femme siren, calling me to leap into its empty space & pretend I can fly until I crash way below at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Don’t worry, I won’t leap.

Thank-you my Chronic Migraines, dastardly seizures, disorganizing anatomical chaos, for such exhaustion (sarcasm drips from my weary lips). Why do you have to visit every day? Peppered throughout with various obstacles to my functioning correctly, I struggle to get the minimum done when trying for the most in any wakefulness…

I have few people (P. & S. mostly) who I can discuss this bleaker side of me, this purging moi. Maybe a blog entry can handle it, can refuse to be infected while also feeding me some of good spirit of venting without contaminating others. I have begun to be darker on my blog. I need this. Need to know that the shadows aren't to be feared. That I can't until I can. When I can, I DO, which is almost my mantra nowadays.

My therapist can also see how I’m doing if I write more on this blog, which will help me.

Having left this deep woods, isolated property twice already this week, which was the first time 16 days, I went needing agave sweetener from the country store for me & chicken tenders to cook up for my little dog. She's ill too – some bacteria. Not too much but enough to call for 10 days on antibiotics. Poor baby. So the 2nd departure, which was Monday, was to take her to the Vet's. Then yesterday they sent an assistant out to deliver the antiB capsules. That was a sweet gesture. I couldn't have driven then. Not again after the Vet’s florescent overhead lights brought out another migraine type.

My sleep patterns are a mess. I’ve gotten to bed at almost noon the whole of this week. It makes me exhausted when I go to bed so late & have to be up before dusk to take my dog for her walk & to give her dinner. Often I incorporate naps to balance out the lack of enough sleep. Mostly that cycle leaves me sluggish & dull.

I sit before this screen as a smelly heap of flesh. I resemble a transient person, a literal dirty old man, getting his late night supper from local trashcans along with the raccoons. What I'm saying is: I haven't showered in nearly a month. It's layered in the reasons why: 1. my illness makes me unbalanced; 2. my water pressure is unreliable; & 3. I am too paranoid at night to shower after dark. When I get up at almost dusk, or have chores before dark, I can't partake then after. Part of that reason is related to #1, where I'm off balanced for a time each day after waking. So, I guess I am stuck in a loop, a Catch-22 so to speak.

BUT before anyone calls the loony-hatch wagon on me, I do use cloth hand towels & wash often during this month of strife. I don't shower, but keep clean enough. It's mostly my hair that flakes & gets the neglect. When out, I fool pedestrians into thinking I smell & look like them, like a Normal Norman. HA! I've got 'em fooled.

I tap this as John Lee Hook sings & strums Blues from the other room, beamed from New Or'lins on WWOZ. Dawn is widening its light upon us. I just hope today isn’t as hard. That would be a wonderful treat.

(Art © 2012 j. m. Scoville)